I have been wondering lately if I really will “figure it out.” People have been telling me that I will…
“Just don’t worry so much! you’ll figure it out!”
But as I putter along trying, utterly, to just not fail, and wishing to attain some sort of measurable success, I am plagued by the thought that I might not. EVER.
YIKES.
I am overweight… (cough cough, obese), and I also have debt… way to stinking much of it. I am fully stocked in confusion, pain, loneliness, questions and hopes. Hope that someone will love me and not use me, hope that I might actually get through college, hope that I can keep processing and coping with my life’s recent shit show. But what does it mean really, to figure it out? When you tell me that I will, are you promising me that I will? Because I am not so sure that 1.) you or I actually know what IT is, 2.) why in the world you have so much faith in my abilities, and 3.) that I have any capacity at all to figure “it” out.
For all these well-meaning individuals know I really won’t figure it out.
For the largish chunk that I might I have left of life I’m not convinced I will ever grasp a moment where I feel content in the fact that IT has all be FIGURED.
Also, I would like to know that if by some miracle I wind up the most figured out person ever, how can I be sure that IT has been figured? In what sort of grandeur show will the announcement that there is nothing else for me to figure out arrive? A booming display of fireworks and planes writing words in the sky? Or will it be a little spark in my feelings, that just says “level 100 completed?” I would thoroughly enjoy either of those options. Regardless of the sheer magnitude or demure tiny-ness of the gesture, at least I would know that I won the life game. The real one. Without all the place markers and board game rules.
To all of those lovely people out there that I told you you would figure it out, I definitely have faith in you, but don’t know what the hell I was or am talking about. I can’t promise you anything. I didn’t mean to give you false hope. I probably just was trying to help you feel better and didn’t have any actual concrete answers for you. (Because, I deffs don’t have it figured out). But if I was right, even though I guessed, I am really happy for you. SO HAPPY. And hoping that since you got ‘er done you might Skype me or some shit and fill me in on the proceedings of life-winning.
Thanks buddy. I’m proud of you.
Always here just puttering and such,
Sincerely,
Me
theyellowestheart 